Tired...

Didi has been sick since before CNY eve with his fever. We gave him panadol for medication as this is the only medication for his age. But still his fever persist with temperature flucturing at 38 ~ 39 degrees without subsiding. On 2nd day of CNY, we took him to KKH and he is diagnosed with throat infection which of cos. spread from from Mummy Chia. Lucky last nite, his fever was gone but we will still monitor him. Should it come back, we will need to bring him back to KKH for further blood test.

My whole body is aching as he cling on to sick mummy and i got to carry n sayang cranky Elston. I dun mind so long he get well soon. Told MeiMei to hold on while i carry 哥哥 as he is sick.

Last weekend, i dreamt of a field of "Guan Gong" and another field of buddha statues. Somehow or rather i think they came to give me strength to hold on. Yet last nite, i dreamt PAPA Chia became a gambler and ask me for divorce as he is hooked on and cannot change.. then i bump into a coffin in a coffin van without door! Vividly i still remember is a young man photo hanging behind its coffin! Is a fine guy. Yes.. I can remember hw he look. And got these two woman crying and grumbling why such thing happen. Gosh!!! Feel sad with the dream esp. with the young man death. But what is it trying to tell me... Is Baby Gone??? :(

Sista Karen help me to draw a lot from Temple... Just one word for me, 忍. Endure with wat... It is negative or positive. I really dun Noe.. Or 忍 with all kinds of unhappines i have???

Sista Kelly pray for me and got a lot that says "健康" . ya... Baby will be alrite! Pray...

Finally the long wait is approaching, i gonna go for the test next week. Worried~! But still i keep a positive mind. This morning, I ask PAPA Chia if my tummy became smaller, if it is not growing. I have a feeling like its not there. I dunnoe why but i never tell him. Really fearful. Will all be well??? :( Positive... Positive... Haiz..

Back to work today... "Lao Peh", "Lao Bui", Ah Pui, Agnes all not around. Office as quiet as Ghost town.. Slack. So have been on MSN this morning n now blogging!!! Killing boredom....

Quietness can kill me...

sianz....

Not sleeping again... Almost every nite this time i wake up and stare at ceiling till i fall back to sleep... tiring task!

Having bad sore throat. Now coughing... Lots of phlegm, sucks! Purple says my voice is like "Zhen ZhiWei" ... can die laughing!

Ya. I still not taking any medication for now. Seen GP but ate the bloody medication for only once. Tot to see Gynae, but i scare scanning... Again the same question, what if... baby not moving??? so bear with it lor... Another 1 week plus before i see my gynae for test. So might as well wait...

Am sorry if u date me. Really no mood for any gathering at this moment. Just want to spend it quietly. Not willing to discuss the topic.. How are you getting on? When Baby due? Thanks for asking... I really appreciate just it can still dig out my wound at times...

My boss has been rather nice to me recently... Have not been rushing me for long overdue work, praying for me, talking to me, showing concern and yes... she gave me tonics last nite. Expensive... Bird nest, "Xue Ha" & American Ginseng Tea. She makes me guilt now for the "bad thoughts" i have on her previously. Maybe misjudge.. like wat i told mushroom but certain evidence seem so true. Some from colleagues, some from my old ears n eyes.. but watever it is, i have learn a lesson from my pregnancy. Anything can happen, whether u happy or not. Must love each other, cos. perhaps u will not know wat happen to him or her tomorrow. Life is so fragile.

Dun worry i am not thinking negative. I am well...

Parents & Sistas also nice... been asking me how am i? Got me tonics... really thankful for all these small tots. Mai worry for me, ok. Bro-in-law more funny, dun noe wat to say, saying sorry to hear tat, understand that is hard for any mummy to go thru these. Bro., dun worry, ok! Take good care of sis the most importance task for u.. She is a super kind soul. Tough mouth, soft hearted. An gal also sama, now wow like grown-up, think mature.. so happy. Now not the hidden gal in room. Hee!

After abt 10mths, papa chia learns how to bath for Elston. So he can help me get him clean up. Yes, no complains from him. Like tat also good, at least anything happen, the kids can still fall back on him. I sick, also can hv him to help. Hee! Can see papa chia making an effort to make my life happier.

me have stinko mouth.. si bei heaty, please pardon me! Dun noe why? Dandruff seems to be my close friend recently... change of hormones or what... can die. OK! tomorrow i gonna chg my shampoo to HEAD n SHOULDERS. Yes, please pardon me till i get it all clear, ok!

Papa Chia, Sistas, bros, mum, dad,Ah Pui, Meinu and Purple... Pai say u need to bear awhile... sianz...

SUN.. when u coming out??? My eyes like fishball. Ok, i go see if i can get to do hsework....

Good morning!!!

feverish...

Down with sorethroat, flu and fever... ate the medication
Drowsy...
slept from 1030hrs to 1630hrs...
Gosh.. Heavy braincells...
Discard medication... Stupid medication...
Waste my time sleeping....

Look back...
Work Messy... thousands of backlog...
House Messy.... toys n clothes flying everywhere...
all cause of my ....

Haiz...
sianz....

Insomnia

Feeling better...

Thanks all for your support and prayers. Appreciate lots. Is nice to know this world is still feel with love.

Papa Chia is nice. He went IKEA to buy some picture frames to make the house lively. Bought a leafy plant for the toilet. This plant I think is meant for a surprise for me bah??? cos. i only get to know when i visit the toilet last nite.

Insomnia... Dunnoe why? Wake up at 3am and cannot get back to sleep till abt 5.30 or 6am... then took abt an hr sleep if lucky then proceed to work. Papa Chia also the same.. strange??? Wonder it is fengshui or my brain dead...

Abit fever today. Maybe got it from vivi. Didi is cute. Today he say bye bye to tortoise 3 times, yes, with his fingers closing n opening.. so fuuny. Bright morning cheer up by him.

Vivi is better and is able to go sch as well.

Not going to celebrate CNY... Just visit my parents n In-Laws this year.

wake up call

Been at mum's place over the weekends. Thanks Mum n Dad they did not remind me of my pregnancy... thanks mum not asking me to go for abortion again before i do the last test to confirm all. I do understand my mum's pain when she told me of her suggestion. Which mother will want to watch their children go thru suffering??? But yet from my love of my baby, which mother will want to deprive the chance of its own child of surviving? Who knows if baby is not down with Edward syndrome at all... or perhaps there is a mistake done on the blood test... or baby is fighting well??? Just like the 99 balloons of baby Eliot and the life of baby Abigail that they fight on for the love of its parents...

Da jie jie and ah gal was nice... they told me not to worried too. Reminding me that they are all here for me.

Ah yi told me she got a good lot and ask me not to worried.

Whatever it is.. i tink more or less i am tired of thinking why why why and what if!!!??? Tired of griefing..

Vivi was down with fever last nite, somehow i was guilty by what kind of mummy i have been... I must have been neglecting my children with all my stupid tots. She is sick yet she still helps me to do this n that when i call her.. no complain. While i at times, keep asking her, "Vivi, will meimei be alrite?" Vivi keep assuring me.. while i keep asking... damn it,rite! Even papa chia was asking, "how u look after them huh? think wat! Everytime i not around, vivi sure sick!"

Both of us took childcare leave today. I was kind of guilty.. and papa was worried that i did not bring vivi to see doctor or worst she refuse to eat her medication.

Papa Chia is somehow exhausted by me too but still try his best to make me happy... from doing housework chores, feeding n bathing my pets and looking after the children.

I tink is time i stop what i have been doing... yes, think positive. Yes, there is no wrong of me to feel anxiety or fear. Let it be. Baby will be well. If i keep behaving this way, i am very disgusting. Like wat the lot says, if is mine is mine.. ya, cannot accept also like this.

I am feeling better now.. and getting wiser.. dun worry for me.

dread

went temple yesterday afternoon to get lot again.. keep asking. Fear that the previous lot was only a console. So i ask again for confirmation. He told me "dun wear a mournful face with drooping eyes... what is yours is yours..." But still i need a assurance... called it strength, hope. I dun noe wat i want in fact. Turmoil, confuse over my behavior. Happy or sad.. cry or laugh... what the hell do i want?

i told myself that i must pray so long i go work. Just told him, i promise no more asking for lot, just pray for health of my baby. That's all.

Then I tink.. "why it is me? did i did anything wrong? retribution,karma.. give it to me, dun give it to my generation... if is a gift, then dun take it from me, please. Is cruel. Why Edward Syndrome...WHY WHY WHY... "?

i promise i will be well, will brace up.... Yes, all will be fine. Writing blog seems to be one of the way i can get it off my chest... Grief seems to make me feel better at times. Maybe i will get tired thinking and i will be back to my own feet once again....

3feb - gynae.. scan... 4 feb.. anmio... medical leave till 9 feb... then 18-19 feb results.. the long wait...

Papa chia says will be fine dun think.. no good... just be happy... he seems well no chg in mood. I dun understand why.. i ask him. He said," if i am like you, who will look after our kids?" i dumb............

so nw, i dun bother him with my tots... dun wanna add stress or worries to him. So i can only write......

tired...

I went temple to pray yesterday and i got a good lot which says all will be fine. Some says too good lot may be consoling, a medium lot will be good. Some says is already a good news, why bother with the ratings?

Whatever it is, i am still fearful. Having the lot and talking to buddha is the only comfort and strength to move on each day till the test. I am thankful for the good lot cos. i believe and trust he will not give me an answer just to console me. If yes, it is a double blow and a cruel deal to me.

I smile and joke when with my kids. Like nothing happen. But at times when i am by myself, i cannot help to think of her. Every moment when i tink, i tell myself she will be fine. I need to brace up so she will be fine. If i sad, she will be more sad. But still somehow, i am still painful and fear.

I am thankful i have good supporting family, sistas, friends that is always around to keep me comfort and constantly remind me that you are all here for me. "Be brave and move on. Things will be fine." I am sorry that i have made you cry with me... made you pain with me...made you go thru n thru listening to my woes when things are not finalize as what i fear it will be.

Sometimes, i think nothing has happen then i become happy...when i am happy, then the moment came... Then i fear going out to work or gathering with friends.. I fear them asking me how is baby, when is it due? I fear answering calls, fear of emotion swing... fear that i am happy and the next moment i need to go thru the process.