Drained...

I am happy and contented with the 3 beautiful child Buddha has given me. Yet i am sad that i seems to fail to do my role/part as a good mother, wife nor daughter.

For Viveca, I feel a great sense of sadness and guiltiness towards her. My time for her is never the same like 5 yrs back when she solely have me. And now she is P1, studies are really a big stress. Each time i tutor her, I definitely will raise my voice at her. Either her handwriting sucks or she cannot pay attention to what i am teaching her. Today i even resorted to have a cane in my palm as to show her my authority that mummy is not joking with her, and she better do well in her studies. I feel sad, disappointed and disgusted with what i have done today. I HATE MYSELF!

By raising my voice at her.. each time i have disheartened her.. each time she will distanced from her usual mummy.. each time i am killing her little heart.. bleeding bleeding bleeding.. she must be wondering why the change in mummy after there is didi and meimei.

I do explain to her but i am not sure if she understand what i meant.. what is my expectations from her at this age. Moral and studies are equally important.. :(

I can see tears and sadness in her eyes.. but I pretended not to see it...

Thoughts run thru me... Why am i behaving this way??? Why WHY WHY... I am really hard on her.. What is wrong with me??? Am i bitch???

With the add on of Elston & Erica, mentally and physically i am badly drained. Mentally tired.. physically tired... but i can never rely on him. When i do, all i get is I AM TIRED too. When he did the work, i can the kids crying or screaming.. Hardly there is laughter. :( So end up i will pick back my work.

Time passes real fast each day.. then is end of the week...then is start of the week... i feel like i am sleeping yet each day i woke up damn tired... then face mirror and say... is a brand new day..Perk Up! Self-brain washing... is tired as well...

Then i tink of my parents...... Not earning much at my age and burden with 3 kids. $$$$$ seems always not enough. How can i ever let my parents have a good life? Wat can i ever provide them with............ thoughts run run run....

Then i think of work, i feel bad that i am not doing good enough... Not up to my expectations and that feeling is real sucks.

I HATE MYSELF......

I went to temple last week. As usual, i spent quite awhile there. I seek for strength, courage and patience to go on, I pray for wisdom to guide my kids. I pray for happiness in my family. ... ... Then I ask for an answer if all will be well... Thank buddha is a good lot.. all will be well. And i strongly believe it.. This helps me to keep on going... I pray it will come soon.............

Sorry my kids, mummy has been bad. Mummy will try to be a better person, ok. Please look forward to it. Viveca please know that mummy loves u alot. I know u are a good gal. I am sorry if i have been hard on you...