tired...

I went temple to pray yesterday and i got a good lot which says all will be fine. Some says too good lot may be consoling, a medium lot will be good. Some says is already a good news, why bother with the ratings?

Whatever it is, i am still fearful. Having the lot and talking to buddha is the only comfort and strength to move on each day till the test. I am thankful for the good lot cos. i believe and trust he will not give me an answer just to console me. If yes, it is a double blow and a cruel deal to me.

I smile and joke when with my kids. Like nothing happen. But at times when i am by myself, i cannot help to think of her. Every moment when i tink, i tell myself she will be fine. I need to brace up so she will be fine. If i sad, she will be more sad. But still somehow, i am still painful and fear.

I am thankful i have good supporting family, sistas, friends that is always around to keep me comfort and constantly remind me that you are all here for me. "Be brave and move on. Things will be fine." I am sorry that i have made you cry with me... made you pain with me...made you go thru n thru listening to my woes when things are not finalize as what i fear it will be.

Sometimes, i think nothing has happen then i become happy...when i am happy, then the moment came... Then i fear going out to work or gathering with friends.. I fear them asking me how is baby, when is it due? I fear answering calls, fear of emotion swing... fear that i am happy and the next moment i need to go thru the process.