dread

went temple yesterday afternoon to get lot again.. keep asking. Fear that the previous lot was only a console. So i ask again for confirmation. He told me "dun wear a mournful face with drooping eyes... what is yours is yours..." But still i need a assurance... called it strength, hope. I dun noe wat i want in fact. Turmoil, confuse over my behavior. Happy or sad.. cry or laugh... what the hell do i want?

i told myself that i must pray so long i go work. Just told him, i promise no more asking for lot, just pray for health of my baby. That's all.

Then I tink.. "why it is me? did i did anything wrong? retribution,karma.. give it to me, dun give it to my generation... if is a gift, then dun take it from me, please. Is cruel. Why Edward Syndrome...WHY WHY WHY... "?

i promise i will be well, will brace up.... Yes, all will be fine. Writing blog seems to be one of the way i can get it off my chest... Grief seems to make me feel better at times. Maybe i will get tired thinking and i will be back to my own feet once again....

3feb - gynae.. scan... 4 feb.. anmio... medical leave till 9 feb... then 18-19 feb results.. the long wait...

Papa chia says will be fine dun think.. no good... just be happy... he seems well no chg in mood. I dun understand why.. i ask him. He said," if i am like you, who will look after our kids?" i dumb............

so nw, i dun bother him with my tots... dun wanna add stress or worries to him. So i can only write......