Fear, loss...

Been having nitemare eversince my blood test tested to be positive of Edward Syndrome for my baby...

Tears keep dripping when i am alone. Nite time seems longer than usual.. Pain pierce thru me which time the test result remind me. I may lost my baby despite i want it badly. Was so happy on Mon to know it was a baby Gal. Then come Tues, the cruel truth shatter all of my hopes... from anxiety to fear to loss to depression. I keep searching internet for hopes only to find that it is a fatal syndrome that i cannot only watch the love dies off. No matter what ending i want it, is only one ending.. Death!

Everyday is like living hell till the day i get to do the last test, Anmiocentesis, to confirm the findings. I pray hardly that it will prove to be negative and i get to keep my baby. Chia says just take these weeks to be mentally prepare, at least, even is positive, i will not fall hard. If i tell u i will mentally prepare, i am lying, the blood test report is already killing me. Wat if it is positive, wat am i going to do? How can i bring myself to labour with the tot i will lost my love one? Can someone tell me...

Ya. I know is no use crying or being sad since nothing is finalize. But still I am really scare, fearful of the result. I can feel Baby is moving in me... The more i dread for the test to come. I dun want to face the fact if it is true. It is just too intense for me to go thru it.

I have nitemare last night. I dreamt that i was lying on the hospital bed. Two nurse came in and told me that they will be putting me to sleep and will need to remove my baby. I plead really plead.. Please don't do it.. I beg beg n beg.. I run away. Found the doctor ward, I plead and beg the doctors to save my baby. I kneel down, plead hard. Next moment, i went into the nursery. Ask the doctor, where is my baby? He carrying it and said.. we are trying. I woke up in tears.

Came back to work today. My boss ask me, how am i? My tears drip again. Uncontrollable. I dun noe why? Then she started telling me joke, tears drip... I just cannot laugh. The more she try to cheer me up, the more pain i am...

My heart wreck when vivi was teary when i show her the pic how her sister will look like.. She laugh initially that it looks like a clown but become sad only to find tat her sister will become tat... then she ask me, if she is at fault, cos. she nv take good care of it. I told her, we may lost MeiMei. Mummy is sad. She told meimei, "Meimei, u dun sick,ok. Mummy will be sick too."

As much as i wish to remain positive, nitemare keep creeping in to dash my hopes. The only thing i can do now, is to eat n rest for baby. Cherish it when she is still in me. That is the only chance. Hurt...

Be happy infront of vivi n Elston, they still need me... came nite time.. is all me. Go away nitemare.. PLEASE dun hunt me. I beg you...