Fear, loss...

Been having nitemare eversince my blood test tested to be positive of Edward Syndrome for my baby...

Tears keep dripping when i am alone. Nite time seems longer than usual.. Pain pierce thru me which time the test result remind me. I may lost my baby despite i want it badly. Was so happy on Mon to know it was a baby Gal. Then come Tues, the cruel truth shatter all of my hopes... from anxiety to fear to loss to depression. I keep searching internet for hopes only to find that it is a fatal syndrome that i cannot only watch the love dies off. No matter what ending i want it, is only one ending.. Death!

Everyday is like living hell till the day i get to do the last test, Anmiocentesis, to confirm the findings. I pray hardly that it will prove to be negative and i get to keep my baby. Chia says just take these weeks to be mentally prepare, at least, even is positive, i will not fall hard. If i tell u i will mentally prepare, i am lying, the blood test report is already killing me. Wat if it is positive, wat am i going to do? How can i bring myself to labour with the tot i will lost my love one? Can someone tell me...

Ya. I know is no use crying or being sad since nothing is finalize. But still I am really scare, fearful of the result. I can feel Baby is moving in me... The more i dread for the test to come. I dun want to face the fact if it is true. It is just too intense for me to go thru it.

I have nitemare last night. I dreamt that i was lying on the hospital bed. Two nurse came in and told me that they will be putting me to sleep and will need to remove my baby. I plead really plead.. Please don't do it.. I beg beg n beg.. I run away. Found the doctor ward, I plead and beg the doctors to save my baby. I kneel down, plead hard. Next moment, i went into the nursery. Ask the doctor, where is my baby? He carrying it and said.. we are trying. I woke up in tears.

Came back to work today. My boss ask me, how am i? My tears drip again. Uncontrollable. I dun noe why? Then she started telling me joke, tears drip... I just cannot laugh. The more she try to cheer me up, the more pain i am...

My heart wreck when vivi was teary when i show her the pic how her sister will look like.. She laugh initially that it looks like a clown but become sad only to find tat her sister will become tat... then she ask me, if she is at fault, cos. she nv take good care of it. I told her, we may lost MeiMei. Mummy is sad. She told meimei, "Meimei, u dun sick,ok. Mummy will be sick too."

As much as i wish to remain positive, nitemare keep creeping in to dash my hopes. The only thing i can do now, is to eat n rest for baby. Cherish it when she is still in me. That is the only chance. Hurt...

Be happy infront of vivi n Elston, they still need me... came nite time.. is all me. Go away nitemare.. PLEASE dun hunt me. I beg you...

sick

can't sleep, fever is back...
vomited with stain of blood...
breathless... catching my breath hard...

just need to get back to sleep...
really not feeling well...
...

Depress...

Just back for KKH. I was spotting yesterday. Stopped. came this morning, i had some brownish discharge. I bear with it and went to work as i know i am not in the position to be sick or on medical leave.

My headache got worse in the late morning and i called 24hrs nurse on duty and was told to go down to Emergency ward.

I went down after lunch. Waited about an hr for the gynae to attend me. Head spinning like nobody business, then gynae told me i am running fever, there is still sight of spotting, n headache, so cannot discharge me. I need to be admitted. I refuse to budge, cos i got my kids waiting for me. Papa Chia came down to fetch me. I wanna go back to work, but NO, cos. Papa Chia says Baby is more important. Want me to stay home n bed rest.

I call my manager. But all i get was her grin tat i didn't get to see my own gynae instead another gynae. Then when i told her about my news and i wasn't able to return work till Wed. She said," ok, take care. Bye" Then she end the call. Yes, I was hurt.. very hurt.. after all i slogged 8 years+ for her. There is no concern ever since i told her about my pregnancy. Instead she announce on my behalf to everyone and joke about my pregnancy. Then i become the laughing stock of everyone joke about how fertile i am, how careless i am... Yes i am really sick. But nvm, maybe she is concerned about work as well. Cos. her work will be disrupted by me. Yes, she got only me to help her.. so anxiety must has caused her reaction.

I feel sad n worried by the way she end her call. So i sms her that i am sorry that i have disrupted work and i will be back on MON to clear it. She will see all by TUES morning. I not trying to act strong or noble. Just i do not wish to become another story of hers. N take it as i own her. Of cos, i will only go back when i am fit too.

k.. tired.. nitz my friends...

Finally is OVER...

Yes I am happy.. very happy.. last paper today..
It MEANS no more night class, no more mugging for exam, no more stress..
Not sure if i can pull through the last 2 papers, but still i am overjoy by the fact that it is "TEMPORARY" end of my nightmare. Pray I can CLEAR it and get my cert SOON.. Hopefully...

Now if you ask what i want to do from now...
My first thought is FAMILY BONDING...
I want to spend lots of time with my FAMILY...
Spent lots of fun time with my Kids...

Thanks PAPA for being understanding at times to look after the children, ya super stressful hor.. but is end of yr nightmare too...
I want to thank my beloved VIVI for her help to look after Didi while i busy with my stuffs... THANK U for BEING A GOOD GAL... MUMMY LOVES U...
I want to thank all my family for being so supportive during this 1.5yrs.
Helping me to look after my children when i have class,
Helping me to pick up Vivi from Childcare despite your busy schedule,
I want to thank Gina for being my motivation all this while... YES, i will never forget those moments...how we mug for projects and exams.. Let's hope we clear it REALLY once and for all... *PRAY*

Aiyo... I am hungry again... Ops... i going to find food..
Baby needs food...

Look out for more updates...

Friendship

Just read someone blog on how she cherish friendship.

how she can cry over it...
how she can hurt over it...
how she can never forget about it...

It really reminds me when i was young... 10 yrs back, the same age as her...

I cry hard over my best friend whom i felt she has neglected me..
I cry hard over my best friend how she has not been meeting me for whatever reasons she has...
I cry hard over my best friend for not being sensitive of my emotions....
I cry hard over my best friend for being madly in love and cast me aside...
I cry hard over my best friend when she has a new lot of friends n forgotten abt me...

silly wasn't it... But at that point of time i did not think so.. till...

slowly i realize that i am behaving the same way she is. I did not even realize it till it just shot me!

With my busy schedule, i have less time for my best pal then i fall in love, no time for any other things except him, then i have my own new friends, then ... lots of reason... then one day i was just by myself, and i come to think of my best friend, how she is, how i have blamed her in the past for neglecting me...

Then i was behaving the way, she was... shameful isn't it! Why didn't i thought perhaps she has a reason for it.. why now??? But i am grateful to her, she has never given up on me, she is the one who always makes the call, or even send me a sms on how she is, or ask about me. Till now even with my busy schedule, she has never blame me for not having time for her. She still buzz me on msn or even come all the way down to have lunch with me.

I am glad that i have friends tat are as great as her. I dun need a dozen, one or two that i can talk my hearts out is good enough.

This is what i called friendship...

Not all about going out and have fun..
Not all about meeting up periodically to understand....
Not all about sharing woes or joy...

Is all about... Am i still in you....

To my dear Gina...

This blog has been deleted to make her day happy...

Ops... I have been MIA for long long time!!!

Sorry been rather busy with projects and family.. really no tiMe for anything! Glad that projects has been cleared and YES... PLs give me a PASS GraDe ya!! Before i Start mugging On MY eXams prepAratIoN... AlLow ME to UpDAteS wAt E Hell has been happening to SiMcHwEeLIaN.. haha!

Talk abt my stupid class again.. ya.. tat HOD sit in again.. WHY?? of cos la.. Complain lor.. nw is nOt changing lecturer but want tutorial class, money not an issue!!! Walau tis farting class can dieeeeee...!@#$%^&* Our poor lecturer will be having her first and last teaching in PSB. Is really not her fault... this class is simply too noisy, no respect, never pay attention, tok cork.. then blame all on the lecturer that they are not learning..

Tell you all la.. in short, they want notes that is in steps... step 1 - write 1, step 2 - write +, step 3 - write =, step 4- use calculater, step 5 - "Class u all got the answer?", step 6 - BINGO!!! please write 2 beside = sign! can or not... if yes, please clap hands! *hahaha*

To be frank, our HOD also weak la.. he should emphasize to the class that notes is not a must, if have, consider yourself fortunate, if no, prepare yourself la.. Must also say, "U people are working adults, be more discipline, sitting for diploma level u know, not O level leh, cannot always be spoon-fed leh!" can die!!!

ok... below are some picture stories... so i will not spell all out... hee!!!

Didi didididididididididid......

The Kids... Elston, Gale & Vivi



Grandma's Birthday 17 Sept...



YiYi having Fun with Elston...!!!

Children Day at East Coast.. 1 Oct!

SandCastle??? Or sand digging???

Jack & Jill went to fetch a pail of water... hahaha~!





The Chias.....




Tickish water... Vivi & YuEn..~!



All the fun & laughters..... Life is not simply work~~~!!!